What’s Normal Tired Vs. “Go Get Checked” Tired When You’re A Mom?

One kid had bad dreams and woke up at 3 a.m. in need of comfort. Another awoke at the crack of dawn to ask you a pressing question (probably something like “do germs have eyes?” or “where is my iPad?”). Work has been crazy and your partner is out of town and, and, and... As moms, we are always at least a little bit tired. It’s par for the course, right? So how can you tell when you’re a normal, to-be-expected level of tired, and when you’ve crossed over into a concerning amount of tired that your doctor would want to know about? Scary Mommy asked a long-time primary care doctor when we should investigate our exhaustion.

The No. 1 sign your tiredness is worth asking a doctor about is, well, the fact that you’re thinking about it in the first place.

“I think moms need to be validated more about how hard their life is. It is incredibly difficult to be a working mother in our current society. The lack of validation contributes to this idea that they shouldn't be complaining about things. They should just soldier on, get it done. But so many women are burning the candle at both ends just to make sure that everyone else is doing what they need to do,” says Dr. Jonathan Silberlicht, board-certified family physician at Elliston Health.

If you feel your tiredness is worse than usual or out of alignment with your daily demands, that’s reason enough to schedule an appointment with your doctor, Silberlicht says.

“Based on how hard moms work and how busy they are, people may expect that they complain often about being tired, feeling fatigued, feeling burnt out. I think I would. But interestingly, I actually don't see that in my practice. I see just the opposite. Moms as a group, they rarely complain. They sort of just soldier on; they do what they need to do for their family to keep things moving. So the way I see it, if a mom is feeling that her fatigue is sort of out of proportion to her life's demands, that's reason enough.”

In his experience, mothers tend to wait too long to bring their health concerns to their physicians, he adds. Often, they finally reach out when the issue makes it difficult to fulfill their daily responsibilities. Mothers who work, are the default parent, or single parents — sometimes it’s only when we can’t ignore a symptom that it becomes “worthwhile” to actually investigate instead of pushing through. But Silberlicht’s message is that your health and happiness matter long before it affects your ability to serve others.

Of course, “being tired” can be a symptom of just about anything, from a cold or infection to depression and anxiety. If your tiredness is associated with any of these other signs or symptoms, take note and share it with your medical provider:

• Fatigue or low energy
• Feeling low or depressed
• Muscle tension
• New-onset headaches
• Racing thoughts or hypervigilance
• Sleep disturbances
• Unintentional weight loss
• Waking after eight hours of sleep still not feeling rested

So, what will your doctor be able to do? First, they’ll likely ask about your sleep habits, hydration, eating patterns, and other lifestyle factors, Silberlicht says. Often by the time mothers come to see him, though, they’ve already tried tweaking these things to fix their exhaustion.

“When I see a patient coming to me complaining of fatigue, I basically have two thoughts going on in my mind. One is I want to make sure I'm not missing anything medically serious, and that's where my thorough physical exam and testing becomes really, really important. So I'll rule out things like anemia, look for markers for inflammation, chronic disease, whether that's thyroid disease, Lyme disease…” he says.

“The second thing I think about is how this person's lifestyle and stress may be causing, or more likely just contributing, to their fatigue. A lot of times what I've found is even if you find a clear medical cause of fatigue, whether it's anemia or they're just not sleeping as well as they could, working to improve a patient's resilience [can help].”

To be clear, “resilience” does not mean “push through even harder.” Addressing vitamin deficiencies, improving nutrition, adding exercise and meditation — these things can help our bodies handle our daily demands and any other health constraints, Silberlicht explains.

As we all know, appointments with our doctors are often way too short. It can help to bring a log of your lifestyle habits with you so your provider can look it over and maybe spot some places they can help you. Jot down anything you think is worth reporting, including any major life changes or stressors, as well as some general life info.

“I would love to know their sleep history, meaning what time they go to bed, what time they wake up, and whether or not there were any disturbances throughout the night. I'd love to have a diet history. I'd want to know what they're eating and when. I'd love to know if they had any other new symptoms like headaches or if they've been feeling cold or if they've had diarrhea, for example, or if their appetite has been affected in any meaningful way. Any weight loss would be something that I would want to know about,” Silberlicht says.

Yes, this requires more work of an already tired mom, but you deserve that effort just as much as your family members.